“God, stop taking my happiness.” (From Raena’s Journal)

This is supposed to be an inspirational newsletter.

But in being inspirational, it’s imperative to show my weaknesses.

I’m human; not a robot.

I won’t fake being happy for you.

And I’m tired of people acting like sadness doesn’t exist.

So let’s talk about it…

Most of my thoughts and feelings are based on my beliefs (or lack thereof). I really want to believe. Honestly, and truly, I do. However…

If God is in control, why does He like to see me suffer? Haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I cried enough tears? It’s just not fair. What did I do?

I never asked to be born in the first place. I wish I could tell it all, but it still pains me to reflect on my life. And I hate my mother deeply for not aborting me. I hate that she had to be my mother… But that’s another story.

Sometimes, I think Earth is hell. I can’t imagine a place worse than this.

And as much as I try to believe, as much as I’d like to believe, I know my faith is waning. How can I trust a god who leaves me hanging? A god who allows people to hurt me and get away with it. A god who allows people to hurt others and get away with it.

And I don’t care what the pseudo-philosophers say — people get away with bullshit every day.

Karma is a joke; what’s the point of coming back around if I’m not around to see her?

And don’t I deserve vindication?

I’ve been told often that God tests our faith. How many tests do I have to take? I’ve seen the world, and in all honesty, I’m the last one God should be testing. There are so many people who commit blasphemy. People will break all ten commandments each and every day, and not miss a wink of sleep, and I still can’t fathom how they do it. People are willing participants in victimizing others and get off on causing pain and turmoil. Yet, they are rewarded. They get freedom to live. They get to wake up every morning and never miss a beat. Even worse, if they decide to change and repent, God gives them another chance.

I grew up in church, so being God-fearing is all I know. Whenever I do wrong, God won’t let me sleep until I make it right.

It’s not fair.

Even when I forgive and try to forget, it’s like God still rubs my pain in my face. How do people get away with their trespasses against me, but I’m never allowed the same grace? If that’s what it is.

And how are these people allowed to redeem themselves? Why do they get to repent and all is okay? They weren’t sorry when they did it, and they won’t be sorry for years, but they still have a chance at securing a spot in heaven?

And that’s assuming heaven even exists because no one really knows what happens when we’re dead.

Sometimes I wonder if God is even real. Maybe that explains why I’m suffering with no relief.

When I was a blind believer, I praised Him all the time. I guess I received “blessings,” but I couldn’t even enjoy them — and I hate to say it, but they don’t count for anything.

Now that I’m older and questioning everything, the idea of God isn’t realistic.

I remember telling a relative that Genesis sounded like a form of mythology, and her dumb ass tried to convince me that Adam and Eve were a thing — but she wasn’t there. How can you be convinced of something and you don’t even have proof?

But anyway…

If there is a god, as in God, I don’t think I like Him very much. It shouldn’t take a lifetime of pain to prove my loyalty. Especially when I kept believing, against all odds, against all adversity. I always tried to do the right thing.

And to all the people who swear by Him: it’s easy to love God when He’s never made you suffer, or only made you suffer once or twice. So fuck you.

I really wish it wasn’t like this… Because I wanted to believe.

But I don’t deserve a God who treats me like this.

“Every day you wake up is a blessing!” — even if you spend the whole day crying?

Or just sad.

Or lonely.

Or being victimized again.

We literally have no control over what happens to us; we can only control things within the limits of our free will. But everything else? It’s in God’s hands, and He has no problem crushing you in His palms.

Even when you beg Him to go away so you can find your own happiness, He doesn’t leave. He just keeps interfering and ruining your life. Or He’ll leave and punish you for rejecting Him until you have no choice but to let Him back in.

That’s abuse.

It’s not fair.

People swear life’s a blessing, but it doesn’t feel good for me to be alive. Again, I never asked to be here. I still don’t wanna be here. How does one appreciate a “blessing” they never wanted?

“It’s all part of God’s plan!” — and I’m still not guaranteed a ticket to heaven?

What makes y’all think this is even worth it, then? What is the point of life?

It’s funny because people swear we have free will, but those same idiots can’t grasp “divine intervention.” You can work for the best outcome all you want — give it all of your blood, sweat, and tears. But if God says no, it’s a no, and all your time and energy are gone to waste. Even if you believed your plan aligned with His. Or perhaps the plan was to send you on a “wild goose chase” all along. God is crazy like that.

I have to admit, there’s just some things logic can’t explain. That’s what keeps me hooked on the notion that there has to be a god.

But why does God hate me? What did I do?

I think I could cope better if I got to witness my offenders getting their just desserts. If God can make me pay just for breathing, surely He can make them pay for being evil. Yet, they’re all still living their best lives while I’m left suffering and dealing with continuous bullshit for seemingly no reason. Believe me, I’ve asked God what the deal was. Maybe I missed something and forgot to repent. He still hasn’t told me what I did wrong.

Or maybe they all worship satan. Is that what I have to do to be happy? Is that what I have to do to get what I want?

I’ve entertained this thought several times, and if I had to be realistic…

• No matter what you do or don’t do, heaven isn’t guaranteed.
• Heaven may not even exist; when we die, we just might be dead, and that’s it. There is no afterlife.
• I still believe Earth is actually hell — and this is coming from how hell has been described in the good book; there’s so much evil here, there just can’t be a worse place than this. So it would make sense why the evil prosper.
• If Earth is hell, God can’t hear us anyway. He can’t be bothered with the condemned. It would explain why He just lets everything happen and only interferes when He feels like it (most likely because he has nothing better to do). So prayer to Him is a waste of time.

I have a lot of feelings about this, and I wish things were different. But it is what it is.

When I wholeheartedly believed, I always believed God was in total control, and I’ve seen Him do whatever He wanted on numerous occasions. So if something happens, or doesn’t happen, it’s because He wanted it to be that way. And that’s a loaded concept in itself.

And to the people who swear that satan is to blame for my misery: The devil can’t do anything without God’s permission. Did you think about that? Or are you simply stuck on stupid?

God is in control.

So I blame Him. For everything wrong.

I’m sick of God taking my happiness.

Originally published on March 13, 2020 via Raena’s Journal. Subscribe to my newsletter here.